


Everything Stays

by Tenryu_no_Hoko



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: During Canon, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Not Canon Compliant, POV First Person, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-27
Updated: 2020-03-27
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:26:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23343928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tenryu_no_Hoko/pseuds/Tenryu_no_Hoko
Summary: Let's go in the garden, you'll find something waiting! Right there where you left it, lying upside-down. When you finally find it, you'll see how it's faded. The underside is lighter when you turn it around. Everything stays, right where you left it. Everything stays, but it still changes. Ever so slightly, daily and nightly, in little ways, when everything stays. (Spinel Songfic)Minor Spoilers for "Homeworld Bound"
Comments: 2
Kudos: 23





	Everything Stays

_Let's go in the garden_

Pink Diamond finally came back to the garden! It felt like ever since she got the news about getting her own colony, she started visiting less frequently. Well, I guess it's always felt like that, but that's fine! She's a _Diamond!_ She has stuff to do! Boring, ruler-y type stuff!

When she's with me, we get to play and have fun all day long! And now we can! We can just play and play and play all day and—!

Oh. She's… she's leaving already. She was just… here to grab some of her stuff. W-Well, _that's_ fine, too! We'll have the whole Earth to play on soon enough! Won't that be swell? An entire planet for us to play on!

We walk to the Galaxy Warp together, but she keeps stopping and looking back for some reason. Maybe she's nervous about the whole "colony" thing? Moving out is pretty tough, or so I've heard. I wouldn't really know... since I've never left the garden...

But hey, there's nothing a joke can't fix! I've prepared this real gem-tickler just for a moment like this! Now, how'd it go again? Something about a Ruby meeting a Sapphire, and if they fuse, they'll be (Mg, Fe²⁺)₂(Mg, Fe²⁺)₅Si₈O₂₂(OH)₂ or something. I dunno, I don't really get it. A Peridot once told it to me when she came to repair the communication crystal.

And she doesn't laugh at it, anyway… I think I just made her feel worse. She's frowning, frowning at my stupid joke! Frowning because of _me!_

We're nearly at the stairs now, and she stops. She asks me if I want to play a game. Well of _course_ I do! We haven't played any games for so long! The last one we played was tag, and she was _really_ good at hiding! It was almost like she wasn't even in the garden!

But I knew she wouldn't actually _leave_ in the middle of a game! That'd be cheating!

She tells me the rules of the game. I have to stay very still and not move _at all_ until she comes back. If I succeed, I win! "This'll be so much fun!" I tell her, and she _smiles_! It feels like it's been so long since I've seen her smile!

It looked a little weird, but that's fine! She's probably just out of practice! Maybe while I'm standing still, I can work on my material! Maybe with some new games and jokes, she'll smile and laugh all the time!

I watch as she climbs up the stairs to the Warp. She keeps looking back at me, probably checking to see if I'm bouncing around like I usually do, but _nope!_ I'm standing still as a rock!

Wait, I am a rock… As still as a tree!

Oh, I'm so gonna win this game!

_You'll find something waiting_

Am I doing this right? Pink's already been gone for 188,836,800,768 seconds... and I'm still... standing here.

It's starting to get a bit… lonely… just standing here in the garden… but I can keep myself entertained! I mean, I can't really tell myself jokes… 'cause if I do, I'll laugh… then I'll move… then I'll lose.

But I have other ways! Like watching that broken-up moon drifting in the night sky. Or watching the plants grow all around my feet! Or watching the baby caterpillars hatch, then become cocoons, then become butterflies, then have more baby caterpillars, then die… over… and over… and over again…

… I wonder what Pink Diamond's up to now? I'm sure her colony must already be complete! Any second now, she'll come grab me, and we'll be able to play all day on the planet Earth! She told me it was a lot like our garden, but bigger! Oh, she used to tell me all kinds of things… Stories about Homeworld... life with the other Diamonds... how the other Diamonds used to… force her to come here when she threw a tantrum...

Bu-But I'm sure she came here willingly sometimes, too! She would come to laugh and play with me all day, because she wanted to! I'm sure of it. I'm… I'm sure she wanted me around.

I'm… I'm sure she wouldn't leave me behind. That'd be ridiculous! I'm her best friend, after all...

Is… is crying… considered moving? I don't know. I… I probably shouldn't risk it. I want to win this game, after all. I want to make sure I'm doing it right...

_Right there where you left it_

The transmission faded out.

Pink Diamond was… gone. All that was left of her was this… _Steven_ and her… her… her _other_ friends!

Haha! Must be some friends, if I've never heard of them! Well, I knew she got a Pearl at some point… but the other two? Probably just some _nobodies_ Pink decided to grace with her kindness!

Unlike _me,_ of course! I'm Pink's _best_ friend! It's why _we_ played so many games together! It's why we spent so much time together! It's why she…

… why she...

… why she...

… she's gone.

She forgot about me.

She moved on, lived out her story, started a new one...

And now that one ended, too…

Everyone else has just been… moving on… without me…

… Haha… isn't that lovely?

… Isn't that cool…?

…

…

…

I lost the game.

_Lying upside down_

Poofing was a lot different than I thought it would be. _Pink Diamond_ told me about it once, back when she was still _acting like_ my _friend._ She said that when a gem's form got too damaged, it _burst_ into a puff of smoke, then presto-change-o they come back looking different!

But it wasn't really that quick. Maybe to everyone else it was, or would be, if anyone was watching… but not to me.

Everything seemed to move so… slowly. The last 6000 years felt like nothing in comparison. I felt myself lose feeling in every part of my body. I watched as everything outward from my injury turned into a puff of smoke. I watch the plants that grew around my body fall away.

I watch the stone fragment, the one I plunged just shy of my Gem, fall to the ground…

Then I watch my own Gem fall. I always thought I had a pretty gem. A perfect cut and a stunning pink. But when it falls, it falls upside down.

And that's how it was when I reformed.

I didn't… I don't _think_ Gems are supposed to do that? Is that supposed to happen? Can a gem just… _flip_ itself?

Or… is there something wrong with me? Am I defective?

Well, isn't that just… _swell!_ Not only am I a fool, but I'm also a defective one at that! Is this why Pink left me here? She didn't want to play with some _stupid, defective_ gem anymore!?

I see I've also got some black lines under my eyes. I laugh, because they almost look like tears.

_When you finally find it_

I don't know too much about outside of the garden. I know about Homeworld and this _Earth_ that Pink's apparently been living on, without _me_. Shirking her responsibilities as a Diamond. Living with some nobody Gems! Creating some stupid hero son she thought I'd never know about!

I'm not even sure if I can use the Warp. When Pink does it, she just… disappears. How does she do it? Does she just think of where to go, then _blamo_?

Okay… uh… how bout that broken-up moon there? That looks like a good place to start.

Blue light starts to surround me, and I feel myself _woosh_ into the sky. Everything looks so different up here. It's all… small… and sad…

But then I'm on the moon. It looks even worse up close, and there's all sorts of broken Gem technology lying around. One piece being some giant pink injector-looking thing full of pink goop.

I find a computer lying not too far from the Warp Pad. Walking up to it, I see it still has a bit of power in it. I ask it to tell me about the big injector thing.

It responds by telling me it was a "prototype terraforming device" meant to help Pink conquer Earth. Apparently, it was capable of wiping out all organic life on a planet, but the poison within it also destroyed all the nutrients a gem required to grow, so it was scrapped.

Just left to rot here, on this miserable little moon...

I glance to my left and see a weird-looking stick-thing with a button. I press it, and it extends into this massive scythe device. I ask the computer what it was all about, and it tells me it's a "Rejuvenator." That it can wipe a Gem's memories clean with a single swing.

The computer tells me it was also left here. Homeworld was running out of resources to make them, so they just left them back in Era 1.

I look down at the scythe, then up at the big Injector. A trio of forgotten relics, abandoned by the ones who were supposed to care about them.

My hands start to shake. A devious smile forms on my lips. I see a toolbox only a few feet away. Sure, my cut isn't really made to be engineers, but at least _I_ know how to _care for something!_ I'm sure I can get these old things running in no time!

Then, maybe I'll take my new toys to meet some of _Pink's!_

I ask the computer to give me the coordinates for Earth.

_You'll see how it's faded_

Pink Diamond's new friends really are a bunch of nobodies. _These G_ ems are really the ones who saved the universe? A half-baked Amethyst, a fusion that calls itself a "Garnet," and a half-human freak? I knew Pink Diamond liked to keep a zoo, but to think she'd keep some of her exhibits as so-called _friends!_

The only vaguely respectable one was her new Pearl. No idea what happened to the old one. Pink probably ditched her, too. Ditched her for this newer, shinier one! The one she actually bothered to _take with her!_

Well, _whatever!_ Soon enough, these nobodies _and_ this miserable planet will all be gone! Even if my Rejuvenator can't get rid of Steven, my Injector will!

They put up a poor fight. I hope what that Amethyst said about them being rusty is true, because if not, it'd be _real_ tough to believe they were the saviors of the universe! I've only been playing with them all so far! Once I whip out my Rejuvenator, it'll be game over!

The look on Pearl's face is priceless. She really can't believe it! But I suppose I know better than anyone how long 6000 years is.

Steven asks her if she knows me. He wants to know who I am.

_Who am I?_

My brow's furrow, and my hands shake. What are they even _saying?!_ So Pink Diamond not only left me in that miserable garden, but she also never bothered to _tell anyone about me?!_

But why would she?! Who would even want to waste their precious breath on me, the broken little Spinel who can't even fulfill her sole purpose? Who'd waste air on the _fool_ , the _loser!?_

Well, this time, it won't be like that! Oh, they'll forget me! I'll forget me, too! But I'll be the winner! This time _I'm_ the game's master, and _I'll_ be showing them how it's done!

I pull the Rejuvenator from my Gem. It extends outwards, creating its beautiful pink light-blades, capable of tearing through a gem's form like scissors through paper. _Great_ for a game of tag! And luckily, I'm _it!_

Ready or not, let's begin.

_The underside is lighter_

Once again, I feel my form fading away. Steven managed to cut me clean through, with my own Rejuvenator. Isn't that just swell?

It is. It is, because I've already _won!_

Without me, there's no way to stop my Injector! The planet's doomed! Steven's doomed! And without Pink Diamond's _precious_ "Crystal Gems," no one will be able to stop it!

I laugh, because it's just _so funny!_ The only way I can win is by dying!

I can't even remember why I wanted to win so badly. Or who this person in front of me is. Or where I am. Or why the kid in front of me is angry. Or why that big glass-tower with the pink goop is making me feel so bad. All I know is that it's just so, so _funny!_ All I know is that I'm dying, and I _win!_

Isn't that lovely?

Isn't that cool?

And isn't it cruel?

_When you turn it around_

I found him! I found my best friend, Steven! He seems a bit angry for some reason, but that's nothing a little fun won't fix! We're gonna have such a swell time together, and maybe we can play with some of these other gems, too! Oh, we're gonna have so much fun being friends!

Steven shows me this big Injector thing and asks me if I know anything about it. I think I might've done something to upset him. Maybe a game would make him feel better?

He starts to wander off to the countryside, but not without his best friend, Spinel! While we're there, we meet this big bulky Gem, a small green triangle gem, and a skinny blue gem. Everyone breaks out into a fun little musical number. I tried to join in, but I guess the song already ended.

Well, that's fine! I can just join in on the next musical numbers!

_Everything stays_

Why…? Why does it hurt so much? He's just trying to help his friends! But... but _I'm_ his friend, too, right?! I'm his best friend! I'm sure he wants me around!

So then where is he? Why'd he fly off without me? He took Amethyst, Pearl, and Garnet up in the air with him? Why'd he leave _me_ behind? Did I do something wrong?!

Ah! Why?! Why does it… _hurt!_

_Here in the garden, let's play a game._

_Here in the garden, let's play a game._

_Here in the garden, let's play a game._

_Here in the garden,_

_Here in the garden,_

_Here in the_ **_garden,_ **

Wh… what's the garden? And why does thinking about it _HURT_ so much!? I've never even been to a garden before! So then why…!? So then why…!? So then why…!?

Why did she forget about me…?

Steven and _his friends_ are landing now. He's finally looking at me. For once in this whole evening, he actually cares about me. Probably because my face is drenched in tears.

Why does this hurt so much?

Why is this so familiar?

_The garden._

I take off running. Steven might be following me, like he actually _cares_ about me! Why would he care about me!? Who would ever care about **_ME?!_**

_Right where you left it_

The garden's just the same as I don't remember it. Everything's fallen apart, withered, rotten… It's amazing to think anyone could ever love a place like this. It's only changed for the worse, hasn't it?

I remember all the games we used to play here, all those thousands of years ago. How Pink would always smile that fake smile of hers while I tried to make her laugh. I put so much time into trying to please her, then she just turns around and does _this!_

No… she didn't just turn around, did she? I saw it… those smiles weren't always fake. Those laughs weren't always hollow. Who knows, maybe she did love me, at one point? Back when I was shiny and new, not the faded old stone I am now.

Yet, for as bright-eyed as I was, I couldn't see her drifting away.

Why do we try to please the people who don't care about us?

_Everything stays_

Steven's singing again. But I like this song. Maybe I can find love again. Maybe I can be found. Maybe I shouldn't count myself out just yet. Someday, I'll find someone who helps me feel found.

And looking into a bushel of curly black hair and the back of a pink organic jacket, I think I already have.

_But it still changes_

They were going to Rejuvenate me.

 _Hahaha!_ Of _course_ they were!

Who would **dare** want to spend time with a jaded old rock like me, when they could have innocent, loving, and stupid instead!

They got what they wanted from me! No need to put up with it any longer. Just a little _swoosh-swoosh presto-chango_ and **_blam_** , I'm not a problem anymore! Because **_who'd_** want to look at someone as awful as me? **_Who'd_** want to keep the one who tried to destroy their planet around?

Well, I don't wanna deal with them, either!

I blow my horn again. The Injector jabs itself back into the ground. All of its poison splurges into the Earth's crust. It won't kill the whole planet anymore, but who cares?! It'll kill beach city! It'll kill Little Homeworld! It'll kill Steven and everything he's worked for!

_Ever so slightly_

_They're all singing again!_ That stupid Garnet, and now Steven! Why are they like this?! Why do they keep singing?! Why are they so happy?!

I'm _destroying_ their _PLANET!_

Why don't they **hate** me?!

I can't change. I **don't** feel love anymore. Every time I have, it only _hurts!_ Every time I do, it's only for the **_worse!_** Nothing can change how I feel! Not even **_ME!_**

I had this pathetic little welp dangling off my Injector! I coulda threw him off! Human or Gem, _no one_ would survive a fall from this! Not Pink Diamond! And not _Steven Universe!_

But I didn't.

I didn't, and he got his powers back, and he's _singing!_ He's singing about how _I,_ the person trying to **_kill_** him, can be **_BETTER!_**

But I can't!

I _can't!_

I **_can't!_**

…

…

…

But I want to.

_Daily and nightly_

I see him now. The "hero." The "savior of the universe."

Steven Universe.

 _Of course_ he wasn't always a hero. He was just a kid. He's still just a kid.

But he grew. He _changed_. He looked right at three of the most powerful beings in the universe and _overcame_ them.

Even in the ruins of his own home, he hasn't given up. He hasn't tried to take any of his anger out on me or rejuvenate me. He's giving me a chance to change.

Maybe I should take it.

_In little ways_

But, not with him.

I need someone to start over with. If I stay here, I'll just keep being stuck in my past. I need someone new to see me. Someone who doesn't know what I've done. Someone who will care about me.

A large ship lands in front of us. The _Diamonds!_

 _Oh no!_ I can't let them see me like _this!_ Not after everything I've done! Not after we're supposed to in Era 3!

But Steven convinces me that it's alright. That they're okay to be with.

They don't look at me funny when I come out. They don't think I look weird… or deformed… or broken…

They _accept_ me!

They don't need to know about everything I've done. They don't ask. They're just willing to take me, flaws and all.

Maybe this is the chance I need. It might not be perfect. It's certainly not expected.

Maybe it won't even work.

But right here, right now, _for real_ , I already feel found. And I adore it.

_When everything stays_

The Diamonds have changed a lot since I last saw them. They probably let Steven Universe into their heads, too.

Yellow has started to heal all of the Gems shattered for her Cluster. They don't always come out quite right, but she's getting there. She's trying to pick up the pieces.

Blue has started to make others happy, rather than forcing her sadness onto them. Sure, I'm a little jealous of how easy she makes it look, but I won't complain. It's fun to go high up on her blue clouds!

And White has started letting people into her head— _literally!_ She tried it out on me when I was telling her about what I did.

It was hard to look at myself at first. I could hardly even recognize her. She wasn't the one who stood for thousands of years in the garden, she wasn't the one who landed on Earth with the intent to kill everything…

Except she was. But she also wasn't. But she was also _me_.

She was Spinel.

Pink Diamond's best friend.

Rose Quartz's forgotten relic.

Threat to the planet Earth.

Steven's friend.

The Diamonds' friend.

My own friend.

All of these things— _they're me!_ I never would've expected it. I don't know if I've really changed, but I'm still trying. I know it won't be instant. I know it'll be hard. But I can do it. I can heal. I can be better.

I can change!

**Author's Note:**

> So I know I'm a little late to the Steven Universe party, and very late to the loving Spinel party. But "Homeworld Bound" dropped a few days ago and I've had this old WiP since the movie, and it's not like I don't have the time due to the whole quarantine/"social distancing" and all that, so if figured, "what the hell? I may be mostly a Fairy Tail writer, but I need to do something for Steven Universe before it's last hurrah."
> 
> Because I do love this show, and today is the finale, and I'm not ready. I was hardly ready with "Change Your Mind." But this? An actual good-bye to all of these characters? To Steven?
> 
> Here we are in the future, I guess. It's not wrong, but it'll have a ton of crying.
> 
> And before an else says it, I know Rebecca Sugar said Spinel poofed due to stress from hearing Steven's message. However, I wrote that scene before that was revealed, and I kinda liked the theory that Spinel tried to shatter herself prior to coming to Earth.
> 
> So tell me how you all feel about the show ending, and how you think I did with this. If you all like it, I may be encouraged to do more Steven Universe and Steven Universe Future stuff in the future. Or I may do it anyway since I don't know how I'll survive in a world without Steven. 
> 
> Either way, thank you all for reading.


End file.
